First of all, let me start off by saying that I acknowledge how deeply personal and emotional the issue of gay marriage is. I know that for my LGBTQI friends, acquaintances, patients and family members (some of whom may still be closeted), this issue profoundly affects the way they view society, themselves and their potential for living out a bright future. I also know that I might be perceived as being entitled, privileged, bigoted, and phobic to write such a piece. In saying all that, this piece is not written to convince anyone that his or her viewpoint is ‘wrong’ or ‘immoral’ or to shame anyone or even to affirm anyone. This piece is written for the sake of clarity. I aim to share a ‘conservative Christian’ view that, I believe, is biblically grounded, to shed a light on why this issue matters to a ‘Christian’. I hope to do so in a manner that does not feel condescending, rude or in any way that feels like an attack – as I myself endeavour to be a sensitive and caring member of society who is willing to listen and understand any viewpoint, even if it does not fit into my own personal worldview. I hope that Christians who read this become educated as to why they hold the viewpoint they may hold on gay marriage and learn to express it in a non-judgmental and a loving way that can maintain the life-giving power of the Gospel and of Jesus Christ.

I’ll start with this: my only purpose as a Christian is to manifest and reflect God’s love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I am human, so I know I will fail, but this still remains my mission and purpose in life. Christians call this mission and purpose, ‘becoming more Christ-like’ because in doing this, we hope to emulate Jesus, who lived a life unlike any other human being before or after Him and is the author and perfector of our faith. A man who called Himself God and who lived a life of humility and yet self-assurance, of grace and yet conviction, of love for the ‘sinner’ without moral compromise and who died willingly at the hands of evil and injustice; who faced the magnitude of God’s wrath towards sin, so that we wouldn’t have to. That is what makes the ‘Gospel’ so Good and what has driven a movement that has spanned over 2000 years. As a result of Jesus’ example and His teachings, people who call themselves followers of Jesus, and who have ascribed to Christian teachings have largely been at the forefront of many great social movements and changes including the proliferation and propagation of educational institutions, healthcare, justice/legal systems and liberation movements such as the abolition of slavery. So why can’t Christians seemingly be ‘progressive’ in this domain of gay marriage and help spearhead a movement that seemingly stands for equality and justice for all? The crux of the answer will seem very unsatisfying for anyone who is not a Christian...

To a Christian, marriage is actually not a human construct or institution. Marriage is a God-made institution, with the blue-prints for it marked out in the very first pages of the Bible – and this is the main reason why many Christians will not support a change in the ‘definition’ of marriage; because we feel it is a definition we have no right to re-define. The Bible starts out by establishing that God created the universe and the world, that He then created order out of chaos, and then created life. The culmination and pinnacle of life was the creation of humanity, as we were made in God’s very image - that is, we were made to bear His values, His nature and to partner with Him in the ongoing creation of His world. And then He created the need for partnership among the humans, between a man and a woman, the opposite helper - Genesis 2:18,21-24:

‘The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”… So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.’

Whether you believe in God’s existence or not, this passage is pivotal to those who hold faith in this God. Jesus himself recounts this passage as the prime example of God’s intent behind marriage and how it is a God instituted relationship (Matthew 19:1-4). The flow of the biblical narrative in regards to marriage is profound; God created a world where life could flourish and then made humanity in his image, to partner with God to bring about even more beauty and life in His created world, and one of the key ways to do this was to institute a partnership within a partnership, between male and female so that they could flourish as individuals, as families, and impact the world positively. So why not two men, or two women? The woman was made out of the man, intentionally different, yet alike, with the term ‘suitable helper’ being translated from the hebrew, ‘ezer kenegdo’, literally meaning, ‘the opposite rescuer’. Inherent to God’s design is the intentional difference in biology between a man and a woman. We were made to be opposite others, designed to meet and rescue/help one another through committed union. The roles and gifts of each sex appear self evident, albeit on a spectrum, and so complementary partnerships are adventageous and exemplified in the male/female union. In fact, God’s mandate and blessing to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ can only take place when these two others unite. Also inherent in God’s design is for this union to be pleasurable/desirable, and to lead to personal wellbeing and flourishing, as well as the flourishing and wellbeing of families, communities and societies. This appears to be what the biblical text is saying. Furthermore, the writings of Paul in the New Testament indicate how the marriage union between a man and woman is supposed to witness and reflect the greater relationship God would like to have with His people and humanity – one of deep intimacy, love, self-sacrifice, mutual respect and purpose. Paul chooses to point beyond sexuality, desire, personal preferences, utility, procreation, societal norms, and presumed psycho-societal benefit - Paul instead declares that the great mystery of love and intimacy and the manifestation we see in marriage, is actually a shadow of the truer substance. That the underlying reality is that God is our Great Other, our Opposite Rescuer, and the created order is simply a witness to this. So to redefine this construct that is designed to reflect His will, would be a ‘sin’.

For many people reading this, their response will be, ‘so what?’ Who cares if God did design marriage between a man and woman? Or maybe they might think this God and this way of thinking is outdated or irrelevant. This mentality, that God is wrong/outdated/irrelevant or that we know better, is characteristic of ‘sin’. Definitionally, sin is ‘missing the mark’ of the true and good ideal (namely God and the manifestation of His character). To put it another way, sin is not simply doing something wrong (and therefore debating over what is right/wrong), sin is about going against God’s heart and His very nature. Here are a few examples: the God of the Bible is called Love, so for me to murder/hate/envy, I must have an absence of love and therefore I am sinning against this God because it is counter to His nature and ideals over my life. God is described as being faithful, so to be faithless, to break a promise, to cheat on a partner, to have sexual relationships outside the faithful covenant of marriage, these are all counter-God’s nature and therefore a sin. Any sin is simply a rebellion against who God is and what God stands for and what He would in turn want for our lives, because after-all, we are created in His image. So therefore, to redefine marriage, an institution God appointed and seemingly built-into the created order, or to redefine God’s ideal of the human sexual ethic based on my personal desires, is also consequently a ‘sin’. And if God is truly good, then ‘missing the mark’ of His goodness typically will lead to some harm or dysfunction. So the avoidance of sin is less about trying to dodge eternal hellfire and God’s wrath, and more about trying to align myself with God’s goodness and His desire to see myself and others find life and flourish.

Let’s pause for a second here. For a non-Christian reading this, right about now I can imagine you’re feeling judged. To have someone tell you that a practice/activity/lifestyle choice that you may condone or engage in is called a ‘sin’ is quite confronting and not at all ‘loving’. You may also be bristling at the assumption that your preferences or relationship is causing you and/or others harm. The outrage you might be feeling may be even more pronounced if you don’t even believe in God and this all feels like someone else imposing a standard of morality onto you. These feelings are all valid and very understandable. But please hear me, sin is confronting for all of us – I would argue that it is especially for Christians if they take the teachings of Jesus seriously. The Bible tells us no one is without sin and that our good God is well aware of that, which is why He came to die for us and pay the very serious price for our sins. A Christian’s attitude to sin is to not only acknowledge and be confronted by it – whatever it may be – but to decide (with God’s grace and help) to act differently and be different people (to be more Christ-like). Again, I know how confronting a statement like that may sound to a non-Christian, and how you may think I’m trying to tell you to ‘pray the gay away’ or something just as crude and naïve as that. That is not what I am advocating for. In fact, I think the journey for each of us with our individual sins is deeply personal and unique and there is no uniform answer in how we deal with our sins, addictions, brokenness and shortcomings. All I do know is that God tells us there is a better way to live, a higher standard that leads to a wholeness we aren’t yet acquainted with, and He tells us that He is there for us as we journey with Him. He promises to help us as we try to engage in the way of living that will please Him most, if we will be humble enough to accept Him at His word that His way is truly best.

The problem where many Christians fall down is where they think God needs us to defend His moral law or identity. God says that ‘[He is] who [He is]’ (Exodus 3:14) and that we don’t need to take up a vendetta or crusade against anyone who would object to God, His nature, or His ideals over our lives – God is big enough to fight His own battles. It is not a Christian’s place to ‘convict’ someone of their ‘sin’. That is God’s role, pure and simple. But as people who follow God, manifested in the person of Jesus, we should lovingly endeavor to reflect God and His full nature in our personal lives. We can’t expect people who don’t care or even believe in God to hold our same views – that would be absurd. But we can still peacefully and lovingly hold onto our convictions, not for the sake of waving a Christian banner, but simply to show who God is in the hopes that people would fall in love with Him the same way we have. If you call yourself a Christian, and you are antagonistically campaigning against a cause (gay marriage or otherwise) because of a feeling of self righteousness or religious fervor, then I am here to tell you that you are not being Christ-like and you are doing more harm than good. The opposite trap is to try to make Christianity so palatable that we completely misrepresent God and create our own version of Him, which is by definition a sin. Sinning against God has consequences, and God showed us those consequences when He chose to die on that awful mechanism of death: the cross. But note, that God did not set up lots of crosses and hang us up individually on them, He chose rather to bear the punishment and consequence all Himself. We too as Christians should boldly state there is a God-way and non-God-way (i.e. sin) but without gleefully grabbing a hammer and nails in anticipation of placing someone on a cross. If we did this, we would be guilty of hypocrisy, something that is sadly rampant in the Church today and something God will judge harshly. Or as Paul puts it in his letter to the Romans chapter 2 verses 1-4:

‘You [the church and people who call themselves Christians], therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?’

So how can non-Christians be expected to love or even agree with a God who is counter to certain life choices that He calls a sin? They can’t – it’s virtually impossible. Jesus Himself acknowledged this. He called His teachings a ‘narrow road’ with a hard to find entrance. Whether it be gay marriage, sex outside of marriage, infidelity, hate speech, violence, telling a ‘white lie’, hypocrisy, pride, envy, stealing, mistreating another human made in the image of God – whatever the sin, no matter how big or small it is to us, they all separate us from the Author of Life. It is truly a very narrow road and seems impossible to enter into it let alone walk it. Jesus’ disciples had this very realization in Matthew 19:25-26:

‘When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”’

God is committed to help us find this narrow road and walk on it. However, if we choose to reject it, God will not force us to walk this narrow way of Jesus. We are all free agents to choose how we live our lives, God knows this, respects this and designed us this way – to have a choice. He hopes we choose to live life His way, the narrow way, knowing how difficult it will be, but offering His own presence to help us and promising that it is the most worthwhile life to live. For those who don’t recognise God’s authority as our creator, who made us in His image, they will reject this narrow way, and this is their right, but God wants each of us to know the consequences of this rejection: eternal separation from Him, to honor their decision made in this life. He tells us this not to scare us or to force us into anything, but so that our decision is informed. For many of us, we think of acceptance and love being synonymous, which is why we might expect that if God truly is loving, he should accept us no matter what. In reality, God’s love made a way for us to be accepted, but we still need to make the decision to walk down that road of acceptance and be enveloped by His love. God is God after all, and we cannot claim to know Him and love Him if we arrogantly choose to ignore His lordship and authority over our lives. Love and acceptance are not synonymous, they interplay with one another, but only when we lay down our pride and remember that we are made in God’s image and not the other way around.

Again, to people who don’t believe in God, or don’t believe in ‘this version’ of God, all of the above is a meaningless and ridiculous rambling of a religious zealot who is ‘intolerant’ or a ‘phobic’ or acting ‘self righteous’. But I have a challenge to all who don’t believe: forget about the rhetoric, controversy and the politics. Forget about your preconceived notions of religion and Christianity. Read about the man named Jesus of Nazareth – an unequivocally real person, who, without a doubt existed on earth, who according to multiple historical records, really did die on a cross and then went on to have followers who stated that they saw him alive again. This then sparked a movement that went on to take the world by storm and set in motion the foundations that modern society is based upon. Read about this man who said He was God and see if His narrow way is worthwhile. Read about a God who so scandalously loved a humanity that rejected Him that He chose to die rather than give up on us completely. Find out for yourself and make up your own mind.

As for those of us who call ourselves Christians, how are you living your life? Are you free from hypocrisy and judgment? Do you love others as you love yourself? Are you emulating Christ or just bible bashing others from some lofty self-proclaimed moral high ground? People should see Jesus’ love emanate through you and not His judgment – that’s why He died. Remember who you are and the incredible self sacrifice, grace and love that purchased you your new life. Hold onto the awe and humility that that revelation fills you with and then love others in the same way that your God loves you. Be quick to apologise and slow to justify yourself. Acknowledge that people will make their own decisions and that Christ died for them all the same. We can change no one; we can only love, be changed ourselves from the inside out, and trust God to do His good work in His time for His glory.