Another minute has turned into another hour and I still can't sleep. Feeling the seconds tick away, half dazed yet unable to slip into blissful unconsciousness. Thoughts of tomorrow preoccupy; the next goal to reach, the next hurdle to jump, the next fear to overcome. Then my mind turns to the moments I don’t want to face, and the memories that feel too painful to visit. My failure, my shame, my regrets.

I feel my heart rate surge, my breathing quicken. I try to push it all out of my head. I focus on a happy memory, but intrusive thoughts don’t allow me to stay there. I focus on things that I’m looking forward to, but in this moment, potential future joy is outweighed by potential future hardship. I focus on nothingness, but that just seems to amplify wakefulness. The answer seems so obvious, why didn’t I think of it before..? I reach for my phone. This will help me rest…numb out…sleep.

Endless scrolling. Switching from one app to another. Information, social media, entertainment; images, words, thoughts - all adding to the cacophony in my mind. There is no relief.

So I stop fighting. In my mind’s eye I cry out to God with a whisper. Help. I turn my mind and heart towards my fears and the challenges ahead - I tell Him I am not enough, but trust that He is with me. I reflect on the pain and shame I feel - I desperately ask for relief and forgiveness, while receiving the promise of His grace, mercy and strength.

My breathing evens out as my heart slows, and my mind begins to clear. Waves of peace ripple through my mind as I feel irresistible sleep wash over me. I put my phone down.